>Subject: Re.: FLYING IS SO MUCH FUN - LONG BUT HILARIOUS
>
>To those of you who fly a lot, this may help you to "lighten up" the
>next
>time the airlines of your choice causes you major aggravation!!
>All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
>safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
>real examples that have been heard or reported:
>
>*****
>On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
>pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
>will
>be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
>enhance
>the
>appearance of your flight attendants."
>
>*****
>Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
>to
>smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
>can
>light'em, you can smoke'em."
>
>*******
>On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
>belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
>something we'd like to have."
>
>*******
>There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
>of
>this airplane"
>
>******
>"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
>us
>the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
>******
>As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
>voice
>came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
>******
>From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
>to
>Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
>and
>pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
>know
>howto operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
>unsupervised."
>
>******
>Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
>we'll
>try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
>loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
>******
>"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
>emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
>compliments."
>
>******
>"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
>Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
>attendants.
>Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
>******
>And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
>pleased to
>have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
>none
>of them are on this flight!"
>
>******
>Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
>particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
>was
>reallyhaving to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
>Attendant
>said,"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your
>seats
>with
>your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
>airplane
>to the gate!"
>
>******
>Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
>ask
>you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
>terminal."
>
>******
>An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
>his
>ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
>required
>the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
>smile,
>and
>give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of
>his
>bad
>landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
>that
>someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
>except
>for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind
>if I
>ask
>you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The
>little
>old
>lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
>
>******
>A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
>comfortable
>cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom,
>"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
>Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
>good
>and,
>therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
>and
>relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the
>captain
>came back on
>the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
>you
>earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
>spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
>pants!" A
>passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
>mine!"
>
>To those of you who fly a lot, this may help you to "lighten up" the
>next
>time the airlines of your choice causes you major aggravation!!
>All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight
>safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
>real examples that have been heard or reported:
>
>*****
>On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the
>pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and
>will
>be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
>enhance
>the
>appearance of your flight attendants."
>
>*****
>Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish
>to
>smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you
>can
>light'em, you can smoke'em."
>
>*******
>On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
>belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
>something we'd like to have."
>
>*******
>There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out
>of
>this airplane"
>
>******
>"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving
>us
>the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
>
>******
>As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone
>voice
>came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
>
>******
>From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245
>to
>Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
>and
>pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
>know
>howto operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
>unsupervised."
>
>******
>Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
>we'll
>try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody
>loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
>
>******
>"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an
>emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
>compliments."
>
>******
>"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
>Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
>attendants.
>Please do not leave children or spouses."
>
>******
>And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
>pleased to
>have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately,
>none
>of them are on this flight!"
>
>******
>Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
>particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
>was
>reallyhaving to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
>Attendant
>said,"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your
>seats
>with
>your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
>airplane
>to the gate!"
>
>******
>Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We
>ask
>you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
>terminal."
>
>******
>An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
>his
>ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
>required
>the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
>smile,
>and
>give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of
>his
>bad
>landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking
>that
>someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off
>except
>for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind
>if I
>ask
>you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The
>little
>old
>lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
>
>******
>A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
>comfortable
>cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom,
>"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight
>Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is
>good
>and,
>therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back
>and
>relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the
>captain
>came back on
>the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared
>you
>earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally
>spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my
>pants!" A
>passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of
>mine!"
